my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
