I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
