So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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