I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I touched a dick in church today
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
