My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
