Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
