Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
