i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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