im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
