for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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