his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
