two words...techno handjob
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
