your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
