I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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