I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
