I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
