hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
