can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
