Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
