Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
