I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
