just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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