why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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