Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
