Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
