My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
