We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
