It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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