life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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