i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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