When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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