broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
