Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
