you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
