he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My breasts were aching with rage.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
