If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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