It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
