I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
