Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
