If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
