He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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