Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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