I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
