after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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