I'm drive I can fine osifer
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
