So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
