So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
even my farts smell like vagina
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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