I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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