did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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