just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
