You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
zippers are such a cool invention
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
