P.S. I can't hear my feet
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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