i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
